Ever since I was little I have loved to read, there is something so amazing about escaping into a completly new world with new people and new places where you have to use your imagination to figure out who the people look like and where they are at. When I was growing up I always liked to imagine myself as the characters in my books.
Reading for me has always been something that has helped me through some tough times in my life. A book never changes and most stories have happy endings unlike real life which is always changing and lately seems to be less on the happy side. I have been re-reading one of my favorite book series, which I was hesitant to pick up again because it is a very angsty romance and my life has taken such a twist in the romance department I didn't want to make it worse. But I started to read it anyway. As I was reading I came across a passage that specifically describes how I am feeling at this moment:
" I intuitively knew - and sensed he did, too - that tomorrow would be pivotal. Our relationship couldn't continue to balance, as it did, on the point of a knife. We would fall off one edge or the other, depending entirely upon his decision, or his instincts. My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility."
As I read this I realized that this is exactly how I feel about my relationship at this point. And I'm not sure that its a good way to feel, especially when it turns all power and control into the other persons hands. I trust him a lot, with my life. But at the same time, I know that with that trust comes the power to crush me. I would rather continue in one way or another, at this point I have a feeling that the road i'm going to travel will be a bit more lonely than i'd hoped for.
For the past 2 weeks I feel like I have been just living life to get by, to go through the motions, which I guess when any major life change happens you have to do for a certain amount of time while your heart heals itself. I want to heal, but part of me knows that a small portion of me will never be the same. I know I will be happy again and I know that the pain will dull. But for now. Being away from the person I love hurts more than any other pain I'v ever known and ever care to know again.
