Ever since I was little I have loved to read, there is something so amazing about escaping into a completly new world with new people and new places where you have to use your imagination to figure out who the people look like and where they are at. When I was growing up I always liked to imagine myself as the characters in my books.
Reading for me has always been something that has helped me through some tough times in my life. A book never changes and most stories have happy endings unlike real life which is always changing and lately seems to be less on the happy side. I have been re-reading one of my favorite book series, which I was hesitant to pick up again because it is a very angsty romance and my life has taken such a twist in the romance department I didn't want to make it worse. But I started to read it anyway. As I was reading I came across a passage that specifically describes how I am feeling at this moment:
" I intuitively knew - and sensed he did, too - that tomorrow would be pivotal. Our relationship couldn't continue to balance, as it did, on the point of a knife. We would fall off one edge or the other, depending entirely upon his decision, or his instincts. My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility."
As I read this I realized that this is exactly how I feel about my relationship at this point. And I'm not sure that its a good way to feel, especially when it turns all power and control into the other persons hands. I trust him a lot, with my life. But at the same time, I know that with that trust comes the power to crush me. I would rather continue in one way or another, at this point I have a feeling that the road i'm going to travel will be a bit more lonely than i'd hoped for.
For the past 2 weeks I feel like I have been just living life to get by, to go through the motions, which I guess when any major life change happens you have to do for a certain amount of time while your heart heals itself. I want to heal, but part of me knows that a small portion of me will never be the same. I know I will be happy again and I know that the pain will dull. But for now. Being away from the person I love hurts more than any other pain I'v ever known and ever care to know again.
1 comment:
Leslie, from all this pain and confusion, you will be prepared for a relationship you truly deserve. One that will bring more happiness and joy than you ever thought possible.
It is just hard to see past the place you are in now. Trust me... I have been there and would not trade the life I have now for the one I thought was the right one before Ron.
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